


Put In A Good Word For Me

by nintendocialism



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Appreciate Remus Lupin folks, Bets & Wagers, But also very dumb, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, He's also very clever, James as Father Christmas, Lily as a babysitter, Lily as a book nerd, Peter as Scrabble nerd, Remus and James love Jane Austen, Remus as exasperated confidant, Remus is my fave after McGonagall, Sirius as someone who can pull in an elf costume, The boys hang out in Waterstones, Who won't shut up about James, james is dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 03:45:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16803001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nintendocialism/pseuds/nintendocialism
Summary: James enters into possibly the stupidest bet with Remus, resulting in Santa shenanigans and his friends finally getting tired of his whinging. Read on for Waterstones, Scrabble, Starbucks and creative use of a fake beard...





	Put In A Good Word For Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GhostofBambi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/gifts).



> For my wonderful friend Sarah, who lent me her skinny Parisian Santa and her characterisation (which I have probably unconsciously cloned). I owe massive amounts to her! She’s awesome! Also, shout out to my brilliant friends Georgia who alerted me to golden Vine and Mulaney referencing opportunities that I had unbelievably missed, and Hannah, who gave me some incredible laptop related dialogue and the phrase ‘lamented mournfully,’ without which I would not be here today.

Fuck Remus.    
  
Literally the biggest arsehole he'd ever met.   
  
The fact he'd entered willingly into this agreement was not a fact he was particularly interested in recalling, thank you, and neither did it erase the pain and the nagging, roiling anticipation currently eating away at his stomach as he paced the aisle at Waterstones looking for the Penguin Clothbound Classic edition of Persuasion.   
  
The fateful room was down at the other end of the shopping centre by Hollister, a suitable dark pit he felt reflected his future quite well. 

‘It’s a mint green, with feathers on it, if that helps you any.’  
  
'I literally cannot believe you.'  
  
'Figuratively,' Remus responded, flicking dirt from underneath his fingernails as he lounged, legs stretched out, against the bottom shelf. Disinterestedly he reached for Anne of The Island and went to the chapter where they get engaged. 'Talk to me when you can produce coherent sentences.'  
  
James stamped on the pile of cards spread between them on the floor, his cards revealing his shame to all before him. Poking his head round the aisle, Sirius brandished The Brothers Karamazov.   
  
'Got it. Let's pull Peter away from that game of Scrabble before the parents of that 5 year old get scared.'  
  
James' face clouded over with dread. He could feel it in every capillary, infusing itself into his very soul...   
  
'Oi, James! You coming?' Remus gleefully asked, hauling himself up from his prone position. James realised he should have kicked him in while he was in it.  
  
'Yeah, James. Don't you want to see our dear Remus humiliating himself in a fatsuit?'  
  
Peter, having followed the commotion, interjected. 'Why do _you_ sound happy about this, Rem?'  
  
The traitor's face broke over with a grin that lit it with a beauty comparable only to Lily Evans'.   
  
'Ah, my dear Peter. You see, what you have missed whilst beating that small child into what I assume was a pulp-’ Peter winced and muttered something about her later proving a worthy opponent ‘-is that James has ever so kindly agreed to take my place in the festivities.'

Sirius snorted so hard James thought it painful. 'You what?'   
  
'Indeed. Come, valued associates. Let's go and find my dad.'   
___   
  
WATERSTONES, 8.30AM   
  
'Why is Sirius taking so long?' James whined as he and Remus played Shithead with a cavalier boredom that rivalled only their earlier supervision of Peter's apparently rather one-sided game with a child. His roars of self-approval seemed a little hollow considering he was taking on a year 1, so James and Remus had absconded to the classics aisle with a pack of cards nabbed from the walk of capitalist doom to the tills.   
  
'You know how he gets. He's probably halfway into War and Peace by now.'    
  
'I came here to watch you wear your beard and grovel before your dad. Not watch my pseudo-brother get all het up about Vronsky.'   
  
'That's Anna Karenina. You'd know that if you ever read anything that wasn't Jane Austen.'   
  
'You read Austen as well!'   
  
'I'd rather read Stephenie Meyer than carry out this Santa bollocks, T B quite H.'   
  
'I'll buy you the Penguin Clothbound Classic of Persuasion if you get through today and allow me to revel in your humiliation. Ha! I win.'   
  
'Well then, stop winning, Potter. I can't take it.'   
  
'Don't get all self-pitying on me now. You earned this like a man.'    
  
Remus had indeed earned this punishment, at least in the eyes of his dad. The boys had convinced him to crack open the whiskey after a stress-filled day of UCAS-related pain, egged him on to get the drunkest of them all, and then happily escaped through Remus' ground floor bedroom window when they heard Lyall enter. Remus could, in fact, hold his alcohol, though not as well as his dad thought he could when he saw how much whiskey had been consumed by his apparently lone son. He had been promptly ordered by his dad, who managed the extra entertainment at the Grand Arcade, that to make up for the practice at drinking he so clearly had, as well as the blind robbery that had been committed 'in his  _ own home _ ,' he would be Father Christmas. The next day.  _ Hungover _ .   
  
‘ _ You _ earned this punishment too. You just haven't  _ got _ it. I've half a mind to bet you couldn't do it if you did!'

'You're on then, Lupin. I win, and I get the immense pleasure of seeing my friend take the fall for a crime I partially committed. YOU win, and I'll be Santa.'   
  
'Tempting. Throw in Persuasion, coward.'   
  
'Throw in a good word with Lily Evans and I think we have a deal.'   
  
Knowing this to be unnecessary as well as no great chore, Remus readily agreed to a bet that had no discernible outcome that was worse for him than his current situation. 

And then won.

___

Speculating on his victory against James, who, whilst an intelligent A* student, was also the dumbest bitch he knew on a once a week basis, Remus charmingly ushered them through the plain white door that led to Mr Lupin's office.    
  
' _ Dad! _ '   
  
'Hello, thief. Hello, boys! Come to partake in his misery?'    
  
'James more than most! Got a confession, haven't you, Potter?'   
  
'Um...' James stuttered, faced with glares from Sirius and Peter. If he was going down, he supposed he was taking them with him. 'Yes. I suppose I do. I must confess,' he crescendoed, making this particular apology one to rival Anne Shirley's, 'that we all partook of your wonderful Islay. And then abandoned Remus to his fate by climbing out of his window.'   
  
'And?' Remus genially warned him with a bite to his voice.   
  
'I lost a bet with Remus. I'm to be Santa. If you'll have me.'   
  
Mr Lupin appeared to be holding back a laugh, apparently no longer mourning the loss of his prized alcohol. James thought he was achieving the same high by coming up with a punishment for his son and his madcap friends.   
  
'Well, James, I must say I admire your honesty! I say, you shall honour your bet, but I believe three others are equally guilty. If you wouldn't mind, lads,' he declared, gesturing towards the costume rack that held 3 elf costumes.   
  
'Bitch.' Sirius lamented mournfully.   
  
'Twat.' Peter spat, with somehow less venom.   
  
'Fuck.' Remus muttered.   
  
'None of you are getting out of this,' Mr Lupin chuckled, retreating into his office. 'I'm in there if you need me. You're on in 10. Remus, you know what to do.'   
  
As soon as the door was shut, Sirius and Peter turned on him.    
  
'James, I literally fucking hate you,' Sirius whispered menacingly.   
  
'Figuratively,' Remus cackled from his position by the clothes rack. He seemed to have got over his role as elf, considering his friends would receive equal humiliation.   
  
'No.' Sirius intoned. He turned his glare back to James. 'Literally.'    
  
Peter attempted the same stare. It came out stony rather than replete with hellfire, but James didn't like having loyal Peter angry with him either.   
  
'We, at least you're not bloody Santa!' Gesturing to the fatsuit, James pled with his brothers in arms not to vindictively cover him in Hollister body spray from next door.   
  
'My feet are gonna  _ jingle _ , you knob!' Sirius advanced, shaking the shoes in such a way that the bells lost all their charm and rather took on the connotations of a Christmassy serial killer inexorably moving towards his victim.   
  
'Are those in a fucking minor key somehow, Sirius? How are you making those so terrif- you know what. Whatever. We did leave Remus to his fate. I guess we deserve this or something. Let's just get this over with,' he trailed off, slapping Sirius away with his beard. 'Resistance is futile, men. Imagine if Mr Lupin told my mum what we'd been up to.'   
  
Sirius', and even Peter's, faces paled.    
  
'Shit,' Peter croaked. 'Um. I'm just gonna put these tights on. Don't look.'

___

_Hour 2. 11.05 pm. The suit is itching and the beard may possibly be causing a rash. I think I saw Mulciber and Avery. Unrelated: am now applying for a new school. Can you apply for your best mates and Evans to come with you?_

_ This is humiliation at its peak. ‘Can life get worse?’ the intrepid explorer asks himself. Undoubtedly. _

'James. Give us a turn in the chair. These shoes aren't good for my feet.'  
  
'What the fuck, Peter? Do you want me to get you some fucking _Birkenstocks_ or something? They’re lesbian shoes, Peter! _Lesbian._ ’

‘Lesbian? I thought they were German,’ commented Sirius from his post.  
  
' _James_ -' A hiss came from the entrance to the grotto. 'I have children with me, James. With me. I babysit. Stop swearing, idiot,' the girl of his dreams, Lily bloody Evans, whom he hadn’t seen since the end of term, whispered at him. Fondly? Could it be - fondness? 'Come on, guys,' she jovially pronounced.   
  
Ah. It wasn't fondness. It was joy. He saw amusement suffuse her face as she held back a laugh at his predicament.

_How the_ fuck _did this happen? Mulciber, Avery - was that Snape lurking by New Look? I can handle them, the racist losers on the verge of expulsion. Lily Evans, goddess among women, Titian painting brought to life? That’s right, Mum, I_ do _pay attention when you chat about Art History_. _Of course that’s who the bloody powers that be send my way in this crimson get up - that does complement my tawny skin quite well, if I do say so myself. Gotta brazen it out. Bugger._  
  
'Yes, come on! Up you come,' he said, lifting the first child up onto his knee. 'Tell Father Christmas your wish!' He found as the day went on it quickly became less of a chore and really rather fun, despite the constant embarrassment and pain (that the more he thought about it were more just an amplified version of the constant shame of being 17, which he was not immune to, as awesome as he was).  
  
The wish was rather classic. Nerf gun. He dutifully gave the child one from the heaving pile beside him (Lyall was really rather generous) and gave them a genuine smile as they left.  
  
The next child was more familiar.  
  
'Your elf's been mean to me.'   
  
'Sorry, who?'  
  
'That one,' she said, gesturing at Peter. 'He beat me at Scrabble and laughed about it.'  
  
'Well, how can we fix it?'  
  
'I want a game with him. And I want to win. Like I should have done the first time.’  
  
James snorted. He was quite happy to see prideful Peter have to grudgingly lose to a child.   
  
'Peter, mate!'  
  
'What?' Peter bellowed. 'Can I have your chair now?'  
  
'Nah! You gotta have a fair game with our charming guest here.'  
  
'You!' Peter's face drained ashen as if facing a mortal enemy. Perhaps beating her hadn't been quite the lark it initially seemed. He moved, wincing, towards James. 'Can I at least sit down?'   
  
'Yeah, pal. Cushions in the corner,' and pulling Peter close, muttered 'let her win. That is, if you actually are winning.' He winked at Peter.  
  
Dealing with about 5 more children, he didn't realise Evans was still waiting for her charges.  
  
'Who's next,' he muttered without thinking.  
  
'I'm not sitting on your lap, Potter.'  
  
His head snapped back up to see her green eyes sparkling like Christmas lights. 'O-oh. I didn't - didn't mean to suggest-'  
  
'Christ, Potter, you don't have to sound so repulsed,' she said sardonically. Her eyes twinkled as they met his and a blush rose on her cheeks.   
  
'Um - no, Evans! No repulsion here...'   
  
'I'm kidding, idiot,' she said, smiling indulgently, and then almost shyly she moved forward. She reached out, as if to playfully tug his beard. It was a little awkward. Their hands made contact as he reached up to scratch his nose. She exhaled sharply, moving away.  
  
'Ha.' She chuckled, slightly forced, turning her head. 'Um, yeah, look at that.'   
  
James, in turn, twisted to look at where Peter was both losing to a 5 year old and valiantly pretending it was on purpose. 'Wow. This is fodder for the humiliation folder. Had no idea it could, er, get worse after this...'  
  
'How exactly _did_ this happen, Potter?'  
  
A coin bucket jangled at the door. 'Everything alright in there?’ came Sirius' inquiry. James could hear the smile in his voice. Bastard! He heard James and the sun to his star getting on, conversing, and interrupted? He was telling his mum. 'We've got some more out here!'  
  
'Send 'em in,' James said, more reluctantly than he had all day. Lily heard it, and looked at him with a questioning expression. 'I'll be right back,' he whispered at her, before greeting the next family.  
  
Once they had been given their gifts and in turn donated into an evilly grinning Sirius' tub, James refocused his attention on Lily.   
  
'How are you, Evans?'  
  
‘I believe I asked you a question first, Potter.’

‘What, how did this happen? Oh. Um. I lost to Remus at cards.’

‘Why was _Remus_ doing this in the first place?’

‘Well, my friend, it is my privilege to inform you that Remus is as much a fool as the rest of us, perhaps even more so, considering he allowed us to ply him with alcohol until he fell to his own doom. Like Icarus, he flew a little too close to the sun. And burst into flames, since he was so soaked in spirits. Long story short, Mr Lupin put him doing this as punishment.’

‘And you - what - entered a bet? With _this_ at stake? You’re the real fool, Potter, I hate to tell you.’ She had settled at his feet - _at his feet_ \- on a cushion as if ready to hear a long and harrowing tale. She looked up at him as though she was settling in for the night and he was an old Celt come to regale her with his epic exploits. He hoped he wasn’t reading too much from the fact she was looking at him. It was rapt attention, surely, and not simply something to do with the fact this Scrabble game had gone on for 45 minutes and she was bored and wanted to sit down. They chatted for a little while about how he was missing the Guardian while here at his post, and she was telling him about her new laptop - _she’s cheap and she screams sometimes but she’s mine_. All seemed normal, except for the fact he was _talking to Lily Evans._

Then she propped her arm on his armrest, leant her head upon it and gazed up at him - _gazed up at him! Fuck you Sirius, you didn’t ruin this_ \- and said ‘she’s really rather good at Scrabble, you know.’

‘Wh-who?’ James shook himself from his fantasy in which he had already furnished their house with his deer cushions and let her do the rest.

‘Anne. The girl I’m babysitting.’

‘Anne? You never hear of any kids called Anne anymore. Shame. Classic. Anne Shirley, Anne Elliott…’ 

‘You read that stuff?’ She sounded surprised and very, very pleased. He hoped. He didn’t think he was tricking himself.

‘I mean, yeah. I love it!’

She grinned, blushing. _She was definitely blushing!_ He grinned back at her. Her gaze turned mock-serious.

‘So tell me, Mr Christmas. What were the terms of this bet?’ 

_Shit._

‘Um. Well, if I won, I got to - uh - watch Remus debase himself doing this. If he won, I had to do this and buy him the clothbound Persuasion.’

‘Good choice on his part! But if he won two things and you would have only won one, that’s not fair. What was your second reward?’

‘Um - just one! Yeah. One.’

‘Well I’m afraid I’m judging you now. What kind of idiot doesn’t make bet where he’ll profit?’

‘I’m not an _idiot_ , Evans,’ he denied hotly. Ignorantly. _You fuckface, James. She’s gonna ask now._

‘Then what _was_ your second term?’

‘Um… Okay, fine. Remus had to put in a good word for me. With. Um. A girl.’

Was that a flash of disappointment he saw on her face?

‘Is that right, Potter?’ 

Her voice was  _ definitely  _ less luminous now. He couldn’t take it. Shit - was this his fault? He panicked.

‘So, er - do you wanna hear why Remus wanted me doing this in the first place?’

‘If you want.’

‘So we broke into his dad’s alcohol cabinet? Like, we nicked his Islay. And then we heard his dad coming through the door and Rem was like passed out so Sirius was like, let’s leg it, men, and so we jumped out of his window - ground floor, mind, don’t go thinking I’m some sort of _superman_ \- and did indeed leg it. Remus’ dad thought he’d drank the whole bloody bottle! So this is his punishment. He’s still hungover…’ 

‘How _honourable_ of you, Potter,’ she said wryly, and laughed. Even a little sad, it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard. It was promptly interrupted by Peter’s scream of unadulterated pain from the other side of the tent, suggesting his loss was not entirely a fabrication.

‘Thanks, Potter. Um, I have to go! We’ve gotta get home. Enjoy your day!’

She was out of the grotto before James could even get his goodbye out.

___

James stumbled out of the warm light of the grotto into the fluorescent brightness of the shopping centre, practically falling onto Sirius, whose coin jangling had lost much of its ardour since he had lost the ability to torment James with it. Remus collected his last few pennies and lugged his bucket to his father’s office. James could hear him shout ‘ _happy now?_ ’ and Lyall reply with ‘ _only when you’ve finished at 5! God can’t hear you!_ ’ He groaned. Sirius looked at him curtly, though not without sympathy.

‘Potter.’

‘Black.’

‘Have a good time with your lady love?’

‘She’s not my lady love and also yes. Well, no. It’s confusing. Have a good time with your bells?’

‘Remus was laughing at me but then I pulled. So now I think he’s just bitter. How’s Pete’s heartbreak?’

‘He’s lying on the pillows in the tent and moving only to fetch presents for the kids. Could be worse.’

Remus joined them. ‘I heard him crying just now, actually.’

‘Have we definitely got a break now?’ asked Sirius. They nodded. ‘Let’s head to Starbucks and get him a caramel frapp. Be back soon, Pete,’ he said to the lump by the throne, which grunted a vague ‘thanks’ and something that sounded like ‘extra cream.’

Of course, Starbucks was where lovely Lily had taken her charges for a muffin before going home. 

James had inexplicably chosen to remain clad in his beard, though he was _sans_ fatsuit - _the beard makes me look_ sophisticated, _Sirius - I can guarantee you it does_ not - claiming he was hot. In fact, he was both hoping to catch Evans ‘at his best’ and also seem as though he was not shirking if some Grand Arcade spy decided to report back to Lyall.

‘-and then her eyes were sparkling in the light and she looked so beauti-’

‘Hang on James,’ Remus muttered. ‘I’m going to the loo.’

James was still talking about her to a visibly bored Sirius when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around only to be grabbed by his beard, which was quickly yanked down and replaced by the lips of one Lily Evans.

‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ muttered Sirius somehow both angrily and with a broad grin splitting his face. ‘Is this allowed?’

Remus whooped in the corner. Anne followed his lead. ‘She hasn't shut up about him for months!’ she yelled to the largely silent Starbucks.

___

Starbucks had essentially lost interest by the time they surfaced. 

Lily pulled away. ‘Remus just came over. He said - he said you were a really good guy and he was sick of you and I guess I just assumed - that I was the girl you asked him to give a good word to?’

‘Excellent deduction, Watson,’ Sirius interjected from the counter. Lily shot him a glare and turned back to James.

‘So I’m the girl?’

‘The only girl, Evans.’

‘The one you asked Remus to give a good word to?’

‘I was bloody sick of your whining!’ hollered Remus from the pick-up section. 

‘You never needed to do that! I’ve liked you since year 10.’

‘Year _10_? _’_

‘Bloody hell, James. Yes. Probably before, but Sev… it doesn’t matter.’

‘I’ve liked you just as long.’

She kissed him again. She tasted of coffee and cinnamon and the green one from the Quality Street mix.

Thank fuck for Remus.

Literally the best wingman he’d ever known.


End file.
